Carte Blanche (Camille Anthony in Charming the Snake) – Chapter Ten

So, we’ve left Chassy and Dare spread out on the bed after fucking completing each other. And it must have been quite a completion, because Chapter Ten starts with:

A week later, she woke [Once in my life I would like to get fucked so that I have to sleep for a week afterwards.] to a broad finger [whose finger? I hope it’s Dare. I really hope so.] running tight circles around her puckered opening [can’t you say asshole?].

Chassy is not happy about the attention payed to her “puckered opening“. Dare would like to really fuck her in the ass, but when he pushes a finger in, it hurts Chassy and she tells him to stop. But Dare insists, telling her that he will take of her not getting hurt and that she will like it.

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Bad Sex Is Hilarious

The Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction Award Shortlist has been announced. And here are some extracts. Therefore, I interrupt Ms. Anthony and will go about them, bookbitching style (crossposted at my personal blog).

Disclaimer: I haven’t read any of the books, so if some things aren’t as weird in context, I won’t know.

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Carte Blanche (Camille Anthony in Charming the Snake) – Chapter Nine

Chassy is lying on a red velvet settee, while Dare is at it.

Her body was his cornucopia of delights, [not his wonderland? Come on, get your shit together and stay off the thesaurus.] her emotions so open and responsive to him. He loved everything about loving her. The way she shifted and moved, moaned and made those little helpless noises in the back of her throat… she made him feel like a conqueror. [And we’re one step away from him claiming her body as his own.]
“I’m going to savor every inch of you, taste and sample your face, shoulders, arms…” He propped himself up on an elbow and traced her eyebrows with his forefinger. “I want to explore the very veins beneath your skin, trace every rivulet and estuary back to their source.” [Where did the blood thing suddenly come from? It wouldn’t have surprised me if this was a vampire novel, but – unless there’s this major twist coming up – it isn’t. And since when are eybrows so full of blood?]

Chassy’s reaction is some shivering and some stuttering and generally incoherence.

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Carte Blanche (Camille Anthony in Charming the Snake) – Chapter Eight

CC had disappeared somewhere, leaving Chassy to fend for her own. Which is a bad idea, since already knocking twice on Dare’s door leaves her knuckles hurting. Dare doesn’t open, but some onlookers with knowing smiles pass Chassy, embarassing the hell out of her. Even though she usually doesn’t care what people think.

When Dare doesn’t open the door, she starts yelling that she knows he’s in there and that he is to open immediately. All the while, “a small, icy snake of fear” and “a lump of ice” are in her belly. Which cannot be pleasant.

Finally, Dare opens the door and pulls her into the apartment.

“What were you trying to do… ruin your reputation and blacken mine even further? [Nah… Dare’s pretty good at blackening his reputation on his own.] You know better than to show up at a bachelor’s digs without a chaperone.” He saw her mouth open and raised his voice, continuing before she could get a word in edgewise. “Chastity, you need spanking. Your behavior is unacceptable.” [What’s with the spanking? If this is not some kinky thing, I hate you for even suggesting it. For obvious reasons.]

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Carte Blanche (Camille Anthony in Charming the Snake) – Chapter Seven

“Coincidence” brings Ali and Chassy to CC in the museum. After the usual greetings, we get this:

She [Chassy] smiled at him [CC], but it didn’t reach her eyes. It hurt to see her bright beauty. Hurt to know she would never love him or shine for him, never light up from inside at the sight of his face. Not like she’d lit up for Darian the night before. The light in her eyes had been like a thousand incandescent candles, hot and vibrant and burning with lust and something deeper. [EWWW, where is all this honey coming from that’s plastering my eyes after reading this paragraph?]

After some very deep dialogue (CC: What do you want?, Chassy: Dare., CC: You want Dare.), CC agrees to bring Chassy there, after which Chassy shines again like a lightbulb.

But first, they have to bring Ali home. Travelling alone with a guy, apparently, is not as compromising as asking a shop-owner directly, where he went. [Oh, please, please, please, please, be consistent with the rules you make up…]

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Carte Blanche (Camille Anthony in Charming the Snake) – Chapter Six

Chassy and Alicia are on their stalking tour, which is masked as a shopping spree. They arrive in town and are unsure about where to go. While they look around, we get an explanation as to why this world is like it is:

“I will never understand why the Touchdowns decided to pattern this world after Regency Britain. (…)”

I tell you, neither will I. First of all, this might be the crappiest explanation ever. Second, as far as exposition goes, this is only topped by “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!” [except that they, at least, were not being serious]. Third, it just won’t happen that way! You can’t just decide to form a culture in a certain way. You can make a conscious effort to change things but this will take about forever and only if enough people are with you. And remember, Liana was one of the first people to come to this planet and she still lives. You cannot tell me that in the span of a lifetime, a modern society just adapts to an archaic one. It just won’t happen.

If you want to write a Regency novel, fine. If you want to write SciFi, fine. But if you want to combine the two, try something along the lines of Steampunk instead of feeding me bad explanations for illogical things.

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