Womb For Rent (Amanda Brian) – Chapter Two

Derek lifted his weary head and let his glasses drop onto the leather inlaid desktop. “These have potential. This one here… Miss Schmitz. Set up an appointment today at eleven, follow it at twelve-thirty with Miss Casanova. Same for tomorrow with Miss Bender and Miss Hite.”

That’s how chapter two starts.  Derek is in the middle of  looking through applications by women who really, really, really want to have his child. And I can only wonder – somebody named Miss Casanova? And that’s actually one with potential?

Anthony,  friend and lawyer, helps him making the right choice (by trying to talk him out of this crazy idea). Together, they start drooling over Talli who can be seen through the window. But when Anthony suggests to actually ask her to have the baby, Derek discards the idea because: “No way, not Talli.  I would never dream of asking one of my own employees to be a surrogate mother for me.  I don’t want to know anything about the woman until she applies for the position.”
That is so logical. He rather wants to have a complete stranger as the mother of his child than somebody he knows and trusts already.

Well, the aforementioned first four applicants arrive and make Derek’s life a living hell, or so he tells Talli, who is in the kitchen late at night to eat some raw potatoes cookies, the worn blue and silver football jersey hanging low off one pale, bare shoulder.  She tucked her feet beneath her on the chair, the silver leggings snug across her calves. 

Silver leggings? Seriously? No, this book wasn’t written in the 80s, and it wasn’t written in any other time when leggings were thought cool. It’s from 1999. The fashion nightmare will never end…

Ok, back to the story [just try, like me, to never think about silver leggings ever again]. Derek talks about the applicants where one is the more horrible cliché than the other, which is obviously meant to be funny but fails pathetically.

First we got Helga Schmitz, a body-building woman who obviously is from German or Austrian decent. And because she’s tall and strong, she starts bouncing Derek around, because a tall and strong woman always bounces guys around. And because she’s German or Austrian, she can’t say yes. Only ja. And she promises him Arnold-type babies.  No sissy weaklings.
Second we got Tiffany Casanova, the model. Let’s see, she’s a vegetarian, doesn’t even eat seafood and won’t wear furs.  She didn’t realize she would actually have to get pregnant.  Thought she could just wear a pillow under her clothes for nine months.” Because being a model, she has to be stupid, vain and a vegetarian, which is really, really bad.
Third we get Betty Bender, the meter maid who shovels cookies into her mouth and thinks that time is money. Maybe that’s some US thing but I don’t know what’s supposed to be funny about that. I just keep thinking that meter maid is a pretty derogative expression.
And finally last, we have Gail Hite, a bartender. Because she is a bartender, she’s obviously an alcoholic and disgusting. Do you know a bartender who is not? I don’t. I’m sure all bartenders dream of their own bar called “Slurp & Burp“.

Well, although neither the characters nor the way Derek tells Talli about them is funny, Talli is cracking up. This should be sign enough for Derek that he has met the woman of his life but he’s too busy stealing a cookie from her and straining one of his muscles (the poor guy was hurt by Helga, the teuton).
Talli starts giving him a massage which lasts about 30 seconds, judging by the lengthy conversation they have during and then everything’s perfect again. Maybe Talli should give up the pet-sitting business and start her own miracelous healing business.
After the healing, Talli sits back down and eats a cookie.

Derek watched the emotions flicker across her face as she enjoyed the cookie.  He found himself fascinated as she slowly chewed, then swallowed.  His throat constricted at the expression of pure joy on her face.  All over a cookie. 

I’m strongly reminded of Harry and Sally and keep thinking, “where do I get those cookies???”

Anyway, Talli comes back to reality from her cookie-induced orgasm and tells Derek that she wants to have a job. Again, he refuses right away for reasons known only to him and leaves the kitchen.

Talli comes up with a plan (she doesn’t tell us about) and leaves us with the cryptic and vaguely threatening statement

“We’ll see about that, Derek.  You do need me, more than you’ll ever know.”

I think the last time I heard that phrase was in some bad thriller and back then, they were uttered by the stalker/crazy killer.

When Derek comes to the office the next day, there are obviously hundreds of women standing in his foyer waiting to get knocked up by him.
Derek asks his secretary Margaret if she thinks the whole thing was a bad idea. She doesn’t answer directly, but lets him know that she doesn’t approve.
I don’t know about you, but if I have an idea and everybody I trust tells me that it is a bad one, I usually stop to at least reconsider it. Not Derek, he just keeps going.

Anyway, he meets Anthony for lunch who hands him another fifty resumés and points one out, which seems to be perfect (although there’s apparently no name on it). Derek tells him to make an appointment with her for later that day.
Then they start talking about the meeting Derek will have in the evening. He will meet the mayor and hopes to convince him to support the “Children’s Castle” orphanage. Because Derek is not only rich and drop-dead gorgeous, he also supports charity. A lot. He even made the concept for this oprhanage. That’s the one thing that was missing in Derek’s portrayal up til now. Thank you, for including it.

On the way back to his office, Derek lets us know how the whole thing came about. What started as a publicity gag ended like this:

Derek hoped the appointment would be fast, as he had a pressing brunette dinner engagement he hoped to have conquered by dessert.  Four hours later, amid the discarded colorful wrapping paper, Derek found himself playing toys on the scuffed floor with the children.  Their sad eyes had turned to glee as he passed out the presents.  A painfully thin little boy, three years old, started to cry upon opening his gift to discover a fire engine just for him.
Gently, Derek lifted the little boy into his lap.  “What’s wrong?  Don’t you like it?”
niffling, the little tike said softly. “I ain’t never had a truck of my own before, Mister.  I love it and I love you.”
And we have another cliché exhausted to the point of me throwing up. The children at the orphanage who don’t get fed properly (and are therefore painfully thin) and who don’t have their own toys. Welcome back in the times of Oliver Twist. Derek returns to the office and looks through the CVs. It’s nearly five o’clock and AB ends this exciting chapter with a cliffhanger:

Bending over, Derek fumbled for the papers [he just dropped], just as a knock sounded on his office door. 
“Come in,” he called from under the desk.
The door opened, allowing Derek a direct view to a pair of very long, feminine gams. [Gams? Where did they come from? We aren’t even in the mountains… Are we? (I know it’s slang but it just doesn’t fit here.)]  Ensconced in sheer nylons, the legs whispered out a caress with each step. [Probably the nylon stockings were electrically charged. That really makes a sound like a whisper…]  From his covert position under the desk, Derek watched her approach.  Looking up the expanse of skin, he felt like a voyeur. [Does she have stockings on or not? If she does, which skin part is he seeing?]
“Mr. Cameron, are you in here?”  A sultry voice inquired.
Derek lifted his head and connected soundly with the underside of his desk.  “Damn,” he exclaimed loudly, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand. [Where have I seen this scene before? In which of the 100.000 Hollywood movies that feature it?]



2 Responses

  1. Hi there!

    I just found this block and am gleefully reading through the archives 😀 Great snarkage!

    Anyway, what struck me…

    “Awww. Look at all the poor, starved orphans. Sure would be nice if they’d find nice parents who’ll love them and give them the toys they never had. Well, gotta go and knock up some strange woman to finally have that child that will complete my life.”

  2. Thanks!

    And very good point about the orphans. *lol*

    I hope you enjoy yourself! 🙂

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