Womb For Rent (Amanda Brian) – Prologue

The story starts with a wedding – who doesn’t like a wedding? Especially one like this.

The wedding was perfect in every sense of the word.

We’ll see right away how perfect – the prologue is about one page and half of it is spent on describing the bride’s dress, the champagne fountain and the caviar (Caviar surrounded the base of the fountain, their tiny beads reminiscent of red and black jewels under the soft glow from the chandeliers.) I don’t know about you but I usually spent my time at a wedding looking at the food and comparing it to jewellery, noble metal and, of course, noble gas.

We meet the bride. Uh-oh! She’s a redhead. That can’t be good. Redheads are always evil (except when played by Cate Blanchett). Anyway:

The elegant red-haired bride stood smiling at her many guests, resplendent in an exquisite white satin gown, yards and yards of train cascaded down the winding mahogany staircase to pool at her petite white satin covered feet.

 

I always imagine yards and yards of train as very impractical. Especially after the ceremony and you should move around with the guests. But when it cascades down winding mahogany staircases to pool at petite feet, it exceeds impractical and my clumsy nature sees me stumbling from person to person until I finally get untangled and can leave the staircase behind.
But my biggest problem with it is that the train is still cascading down the staircase while the poor bride is already standing there. Does it have a life of its own?

Leaving the bride with her stalking train, there’s the groom:

Women stared openly in lust at him, while every man in the room wished he could command that kind of silent respect. His tuxedo fit snugly across his muscular chest, the inky blackness mirrored his ebony eyes.

Please remember that this guy will have problems to find a woman to bear his heir, so he has to resort to his pet sitter to rent her womb. But right now, women stare openly in lust at him. I wonder what happens during the five years between the prologue and chapter one. Will he be disfigured?
Or maybe it’s his ebony eyes. Ebony looks like this:

Ebony

So ebony eyes must look like this:

Ebony Eyes

When you can’t really tell the pupils from the irises, it gets freaky for me.

The following “dialogue” ensues:

“Happy darling?”he inquired coolly, his eyes searching her face.
A bit confused, Lydia smiled shyly at her new husband and nodded.

It is a confusing question, if you are happy. That’s true. I mean, there are actually two possibilities to answer the question. Woaaaah.

It’s time for the best man’s speech:

“Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention please. As best man and longtime friend of both the bride and groom, I would like to propose a toast.” He turned to smile at Derek and Lydia. “May the stars be your guide as you ride off into the sunset to find your happiness.”
Derek
involuntarily choked as a sip of champagne went down the wrong way at Gary’s choice of words.

I wonder at which words he choked? I don’t trust it to be the analogy of the stars guiding them in the sunset (try that without any special equipment. It’s pretty hard to see stars before the sun really sets), which would have made me choke (and actually did a little). I’m afraid that this relates to the longtime friend part.
Because, as we are about to find out, the best man and the bride had an affair. And Derek the ebony-eyed groom the women lust after actually knew about it. And he announces that he will have the marriage annulled on monday.

So, just to make this clear: his fiancée had an affair with his best friend which he knew and he marries her anyway just to be able to annull the marriage and, of course, show everybody this:

Confused guests and family alike reached in perplexed unison for the engraved place markers. Attached securely to the porcelain base was a photograph. Not just any photograph though. This one showed the newly wedded bride, her red hair standing out like a halo, seated astride the thrusting hips of Derek’s best man Gary. Gary wore nothing more than his birthday suit, whereas the bride was decked out in a white cowboy hat and boots, with silver sheriff badges gracing her ample breasts.

There’s so many things wrong with this.

  1. Families are present which implies to me that children are there, too. While I’m not the most conservative of persons, I find it hardly appropriate to show children porn. Nor do I find it appropriate to show this to everybody else, especially not the bride’s parents and probably grandparents. That’s just a matter of bad taste.
  2. Can sheriff badges really grace ample breasts? Do they honour breasts as well? And how the hell do they stay there? Are they on strings? Glued on? Pinned on?
  3. Birthday suit is just wrong. Why not say naked?
  4. What kind of freaking hair does this girl have for it to stand out like a halo? Under a cowboy hat? I’m pretty sure that Derek with his freaky eyes and Lydia with her freaky hair would have made the perfect couple.
  5. Porcelain place markers?

Note to the author: It’s rarely good to introduce one of your main characters as a giant asshole who completely humiliates his fiancée and his best friend, even when they had an affair.

The bride leaves the dinner, not surprisingly.

Derek also leaves. Although he caused huge chaos by marrying a woman only to annul the marriage, he doesn’t want to stay and enjoy it.

Lifting three unopened bottles of Dom Perignon from the serving tray, Derek smiled at the nameless server. “Now, I plan on spending my wedding night getting rip-snorting drunk.”

The poor server, being nameless is really hard to live with. All the confusion that must cause: “Yesterday I slept with a guy. He doesn’t have a name… No, I would know his name but he doesn’t have one… No, he would have told me. But he’s nameless.”

Also, rip-snorting? Is there anybody out there who actually says that?

The perfect wedding indeed.

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2 Responses

  1. […] woman squeezed her hand. [Dimpled, round people are always motherly. They cannot be anything else. Just like redheads are always evil, unless played by Cate Blanchett.] Unwinding a bit, Chastity gave the short woman a real smile in return. The duchess startled her […]

  2. […] But when she opens the door: Jenna’s gaze was locked on his bed, and her brain short-circuited as she blankly stared at the very surprised, very naked redhead stretched out on top of Nick’s bed. [Of course, it’s a redhead, because, as already established several times, redheads are always evil (unless played by Cate Blanchett).] […]

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